by Lee Sumner
Business and Personal Coach
Call 205.870.1877 or email lee@nolimitscoach.comDear Coach:
For years, I’ve been saying that I want to play the guitar better. I know I need to practice more, but then I don’t do it. My friends are tired of hearing me moan and whine and they tell me to just shut up and get started. I really do love playing music, so I don’t know why I keep shooting myself in the foot. I feel bad about not following through after I promise myself I’ll do better. Should I just give up?
Signed,
--Too late to rock and roll?
Dear Too Late,
Sounds as if that old gremlin, self sabotage, may be trying to stop your dream in its tracks. To help you discover what’s operating here, I invite you to answer "true" or "false" to the following questions.
When pursuing this goal . . .
1. I tend to work alone and forget (or neglect) to ask for help.
2. I often confuse a lack of information with a belief that something can't be done.
3. I tend to rely primarily on my intellect rather than including my intuition.
4. I have a tendency to draw conclusions without enough information.
5. I often compare myself to others (or their products, abilities, etc.).
6. I expect myself to master a new skill, craft or behavior very quickly.
7. I neglect to consider and/or plan for unforeseen difficulties.
8. I've been known to measure my success based on unrealistic expectations.
The more "true" answers you have, the more likely you are to be sabotaging yourself. Now, as you think about your answers, it's important to remember that what looks like self sabotage is usually just an attempt to protect yourself from perceived danger, fear and anxiety.
For example, you might have a dream of entertaining people in a guitar concert. As you try to get started, you may find that you consistently fail to make time to practice. You may label your resistance as self sabotage, when in fact, it might be a fear of judgment from the audience. Or your tendency to procrastinate may simply be caused by a lack of "know how" when it comes to performing in public.
One step forward, two steps back
If you've ever tried to lose weight or get in shape and felt defeated, you know exactly what it's like to fear failure. Anxiety about not following through or reaching your goals is normal. So, guess what? You won’t do it perfectly. Let’s take the fitness example. There's a good chance that you'll eat something you shouldn't, get stuck with a major project at work and feel too tired to exercise, or need to cancel your gym plans when your son or daughter gets sick. The trick is to recognize set backs for what they are: set backs. One step forward, two steps backward may be your dance for a while. That's okay. There will be times when you need to go with the flow and reschedule your plans or make other arrangements. Plan for these obstacles. You could keep a set of free weights at home for those times when you’re unable to make it to the gym. Or keep healthy snacks around the house like almonds, fresh vegetables, and soy protein drinks. This way you could make healthier choices when you feel pressed for time and want to eat right.
Progress…not perfection
Often, trauma or disappointment that we experienced in the past (big or small) affects us on a deeper level than we realize and manifests in unrecognized ways. Finding yourself up against the same problem over and over again is usually an indication that there's some inner work to be done.
You’ve simply developed a habit of behaving in a certain way. You can decide to do things in a new way. Rather than see the process of developing your guitar skills as a rigid plan that must be strictly enforced, why not see it as a journey of self-discovery, one that teaches you about what does and doesn't work for you? Each time your inner critic reminds you of how you'll mess up or fail, just repeat either, "Perfectionism doesn't live here anymore" or "Progress, not perfection". Then get right back on track.
Where do I go from here?
Rather than beat yourself up for not moving forward (just another form of self sabotage), use the following questions as a guide to enlisting the resources you need to begin enjoying the process of pursuing your goal.
First, choose one goal or dream. Then, take 30 minutes to answer these questions in writing. Next, share your answers with a supportive friend or colleague to determine your next steps.
- Who can help you to achieve this goal?
- What information might you be missing? If you're not sure, ask someone who has experience in this area.
- How will you use your intuition in a more proactive way?
- What assumptions need to be challenged?
- Are you dismissing a great idea just because someone else has already done it?
- Where are you expecting yourself to be an "overnight expert?"
- Have you considered (and planned for) the worst-case scenario?
- How realistic are your expectations based on the time frame you have planned?
At our deepest core, we all long to express our unique talents and abilities. Not only for personal or professional gain, but to express and share our special gifts with the world. These gifts deserve to be honored and celebrated (as opposed to downplayed or squashed). It's time to get out of your own way and start living out loud!
Lee Sumner is a Certified Professional Coach who has helped hundreds of people create high-quality lives. She is President of No Limits Coaching and Vice-President of the International Coach Federation--Alabama. Send your questions to Lee@nolimitscoach.com and visit www.nolimitscoach.com.
Click here to email Lee or call her at 205.870.1877