by Lee Sumner
Business and Personal Coach
Call 205.870.1877 or email lee@nolimitscoach.com

Hello Coach,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for over two years and the infatuation phase is definitely over. He is very active and loves socializing, parties, and hanging out with friends, but I like to stay home and enjoy quiet evenings with him. At first this wasn’t a problem, but lately, especially over the holidays, I noticed we argued about this a lot. We love each other and we both would like to get married (to each other!) one day. But now I’m worried that we are incompatible. Can our relationship be saved?
Signed,
Home Alone

Dear Home Alone,
Opposites may attract, but there are usually sparks somewhere down the road. What you both found so attractive when you first met—his outgoing personality, your serenity—has begun to wear thin and is now a source of conflict.

Everyone has a basic way they relate to the world. It sounds as if you and your boyfriend simply have different styles. One isn’t better than the other, just different. You can determine your primary "behavior style" by answering two questions, based on how you are when you’re most comfortable:

1. Do you prefer people, feelings and relationships OR do you prefer things, facts and the bottom line?
2. Do you prefer a fast-paced environment with lots of variety because you get bored easily OR do you prefer a stable, predictable environment with time to focus on the details?

What’s your style?

People + Fast = Interactive, expressive, fun

Things + Fast = Dominant, directive, risk-taker

People + Slow = Steady, cooperative, team-player

Things + Slow = Careful, logical, accurate

Give a little – Gain a lot
You probably won’t change what makes you tick, but you can learn to adapt the way you behave and communicate so that your boyfriend feels more comfortable. When we feel relaxed, we’re more flexible and responsive to the needs of the people around us. For example, one way you can adapt to his faster pace is by making your point more quickly. You can also stretch a bit and practice being more outgoing. You may ask, "Doesn’t he need to adapt, too?" The answer is yes. Both of you need to develop the other side of yourselves in order to have a thriving relationship.

Holding on
What are some of the possible paths you can take? You can choose to keep the problem. Or you may decide to see what you can learn from the situation.

Three guaranteed ways to make sure you keep the problem:

1. Assign blame for it – you get to feel a self-righteous glow, but the problem is still there the next day.
2. Suffer about it – your payoff is sympathy and attention, but the original problem remains unresolved.
3. Avoid it – you might dodge the original problem for a while, but the price you’ll pay in time and energy limits your enjoyment of life.When you find yourself stepping into a relationship conflict, pause, take a breath and ask yourself: What can I learn from this interaction that would help me experience more love and harmony right now? The moment you shift from being defensive to being open to learning, you’re more than halfway to resolving the issue. You may also notice that your boyfriend doesn’t have to do one thing differently in order for things to shift. The key to finding happiness in a relationship of any kind is to adopt a learning attitude, so that every relationship interaction, even the painful ones, brings you a new learning.

Can we talk?
Let’s say that once you open yourself to learning, you decide to take action and discuss the situation with your boyfriend. Unless he’s an unusual man, the words, "honey, we need to talk" will strike terror in his heart. You can make it easier for him to relax and be receptive if you follow a few simple guidelines:

1. Limit the time. Tell him, "We’ve got thirty minutes here; will you talk with me for that period of time?" When the time ends, stop.
2. Teach him he can trust you. He knows his emotional self contains information that could be used against him, so show him that when he is vulnerable with you, he can be assured of a good outcome.
3. Give what you want to get. If you reveal true things about your intimate self and allow yourself to be vulnerable, he’s much more likely to reciprocate than if you simply demand that he be open and honest.

When relationships work, life seems wonderful. When relationships don’t work, life can feel like a trap. You say this relationship is important to you. I challenge you to take responsibility. Experiment and see what you can learn that will bring you closer to the deeper intimacy you want.


Lasting Love: The 5 Secrets of Growing a Vital, Conscious Relationship; Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks (Hendricks.com)

Falling Awake: Creating the Life of Your Dreams; Dave Ellis. A program that assists people to dramatically and permanently improve the quality of their lives. (FallingAwake.com)

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Lee Sumner is a Certified Professional Coach who has helped hundreds of people create high-quality lives. She is President of No Limits Coaching and Vice-President of the International Coach Federation--Alabama. Send your questions to Lee@nolimitscoach.com and visit www.nolimitscoach.com.

Click here to email Lee or call her at 205.870.1877