by Lee Sumner
Business and Personal Coach
Call 205.870.1877 or email lee@nolimitscoach.com

Dear Coach Lee,

I’ve recently jumped back into the dating pool after 20 years of marriage, and my skill set is woefully lacking. I’ve been going to bars with my friends, but I’m too shy to talk to any women and frankly – even though there are lots of attractive women there, they don’t really seem to be my type. My friends tell me to live it up, but I really just want to find a woman I’m compatible with who appreciates me and wants a steady relationship. The prospect of an endless string of weekends alone is enough to make me want to call my ex and reconcile. Is there any hope for finding Ms. Right?

Signed,
Seen Every Video in the Store

Dear "Seen",

Dating can loom as a worrisome prospect after divorce. You have the added challenge of being out of the dating scene--with its constantly changing rules and customs--for many years. Our fast-paced lives leave us with little time to search seriously, and then there’s the fear of embarrassment, rejection, or disappointment. It’s only natural that you’re questioning the whole idea of re-entry into the dating world.

The good news is that there is someone out there who will be thrilled to share your life. Finding a new partner is not a numbers game. It’s a soul search. It’s a matter of expanding your territory to include a being with whom you can form a deep bond. Let’s face it, meeting people, making new friends, and setting up dates takes time and courage. You may face awkwardness, frustration, or heartbreak, but when you find her, it will have been worth it.

Day after day, as I hear the single women in my coaching practice moan, "There aren’t any good men left", I wish I could introduce them to my wonderful male clients who are searching, with equal frustration, for the right woman. My experience in working with both sexes is this –pursuing romance as a hunting or fishing expedition only ensures that you’ll spend lots of time getting in and out of one painfully doomed relationship after another.

Let’s talk about some of the most common ways people attempt to meet serious potential partners. As you’ve already discovered, it’s not a good idea to look for love in a bar. The loud music makes it hard to carry on a conversation and the alcohol distorts judgment as well as behavior for both of you. Someone who appeared smart and appealing is sure to be less so when the buzz wears off. Besides, you’re not looking for lots of women. You’re looking for just one with whom you can share yourself.

Matchmaking services and do-it-yourself methods (internet and telephone personals), now more popular than ever, have shed much of the stigma of desperation. If you opt for this method, don’t rush the process and don’t put up a facade. State exactly what you’re looking for and things that will make people want to know more about you. Definitely include a fun picture of you smiling and engaged in an activity that reflects who you are.

Another popular method is letting your friends or family set you up with someone. This may seem like a good idea, but often these well-meaning matchmakers are basing their judgments on what they think you want or who they feel you should want. No matter how well your friends know you, only you know for sure what kind of person you’re interested in spending time with. Here’s where it helps to be specific.

Make a list of all the qualities you’d like this new person to have. The more clear and focused you are on who you’d like to attract into your life, the better your chances of finding someone you’ll hit it off with. Be sure to include emotional disposition, spiritual beliefs, intellectual interests, physical qualities, career/financial and personal interests. Take note of the qualities you wrote. Do you need to develop any of those yourself in order to participate in a high-quality relationship? Take your time, add to your list as you go, and soon you’ll have a good profile you can use to spread the word about who you’re interested in meeting.

Maybe Mom was onto something when she said, "just be yourself." By adopting the attitude that they were just meeting a new friend to go out and have fun, several of my clients have attracted rewarding relationships. And this brings us to rule #1: don’t start dating until you’ve recovered from the divorce and are relatively happy with yourself. I’ve heard it said that looking for love before you develop a strong sense of yourself is like trying to find the mate to a shoe you’ve never seen.

Explore territory in which you truly thrive. If you want to attract a partner, identify what you love to do, and then do it – a lot. You’ll be much more attractive when you’re involved and excited about what you’re doing. If you want to get engaged, start by being engaged in activities that make you glow—especially those that have nothing to do with dating or love-hunting.

Some people say that the minute you stop looking for someone, the perfect person comes along. This is not precisely true: you’re unlikely to find your soul mate while sitting on the couch watching reruns. Get out there and enjoy your life, whether that means salsa dancing, dog training, or Italian cooking. Push yourself beyond what you think are your limits, and you are likely to discover that the love you want is right there beside you.


Lee Sumner is a Certified Professional Coach who has helped hundreds of people create high-quality lives. She is President of No Limits Coaching and Vice-President of the International Coach Federation--Alabama. Send your questions to Lee@nolimitscoach.com and visit www.nolimitscoach.com.

Click here to email Lee or call her at 205.870.1877