by Lee Sumner
Business and Personal Coach
Call 205.870.1877 or email lee@nolimitscoach.com

Hello, Coach!
I've been estranged from my mother's side of the family for quite a few years because of some mean things I said as teenager when I was upset about how they treated me and my mother. I moved away and cut ties with them, which was good for me at the time. I grew out of those issues, but the family still sees me as that angry teenager. Now my mother is sick, and tells me she feels caught in the middle and would like for me to reconcile with her parents and siblings. I regret having hurt them, but I don't know what to say after so long. They've never been part of my adult life, but if my mother's illness progresses, I may need to be on better terms with the relatives who live near her. Any advice on how to start?
Black Sheep


Dear Black Sheep:
On the Big Deal Scale, where would this one rate? Is it a lump in your oatmeal, a lump in your throat, or a lump in your breast?

No matter the size of the problem, if there’s something you’re not handling, it’s draining your energy. Like a steadily dripping faucet, you probably don’t even notice—until the water bill comes due. The good news is that you sound as if you’re ready to take action. Taking even a baby step will give you a boost of energy to help you move toward resolution.

There are lots of players here—your mother, her siblings, her parents, and you, not to mention the cast of skeletons lurking in the closets. Trying to figure out what everyone involved thinks (and needs) is guaranteed to be crazy-making!

Instead of going down that dead-end road, let’s check in with you. I’m more interested in what you’re experiencing now than in what happened in ancient history. So, if you’re willing to go there with me, let’s jump in the puddle and splash around a bit.

Play it again, Sam
Usually when something feels "not right," it’s a red flag that you’ve got a story running in the background. We all have them; it’s part of being human. What’s the story that plays on your internal tape recorder? See if one of these sounds familiar:

• Abandonment – I’m afraid I’ll be left alone
• Deprivation – It’s hopeless
• Subjugation – I have to do it your way
• Mistrust – I’m angry
• Unloveable – I’m ashamed; I’m flawed
• Exclusion – I don’t belong
• Vulnerable – I’ll lose control
• Failure – I doubt myself; I’m anxious
• Perfection – I drive myself too hard

Which story do you tell yourself? There may be several that sound familiar, but I’m asking you to pick the one that plays at the loudest volume. You might say, "I’m embarrassed about the way I acted when I was younger. I feel like there’s something wrong with me."

Once the story gets started, how does it snowball? Maybe it goes something like: "I’ve always been the outcast in the family. They never liked me and they never will. I don’t care about them, and it’s never going to get any better anyway. Why even try!"

In your letter, you seem to want to create a different story for yourself in this situation with your family. What DO you have control over? Your mother’s feelings? Your relatives’ judgments of you? Right…in your dreams. Clearly, the only thing you have control over is how you respond—what you tell yourself and what you do.

The 5-Question Framework
I invite you to ask yourself these five questions and notice what answers come to you:
1. What’s working, what’s already RIGHT—about you, about the situation, about your life? You may say: I’m in a great relationship, I’m healthy, and I want to have a better relationship with my mother’s family.
2. What’s not quite right YET? This is usually a feeling.
I feel anxious when I think my relatives are judging me.
3. What would be ideal? Imagine you’re having a conversation with your relatives. Talk or write about what you want to hear, see, and feel while you’re there. I see them listening to me and looking me in the eye. I see them nodding their heads and smiling at me. I feel confident. I feel warm toward them. I hear them saying they want to work things out.
4. What resources do you need to make it ideal?
Support from friends, time to pay attention to what I need here.
5. What’s your next inspired action or two?

It’s clouds and illusions I recall
We all have old stories that cloud our thinking. Be gentle with yourself as you move forward. If you decide to create a new story in your relationship with your family, you’ll need to speak your truth. Here’s an example of a judgmental, blaming way to say it:

"You’ve never liked me. You’ve rejected me all these years. I’m sick and tired of it! We have to get along so we can help my mother!"

Here’s an example of a gentle, loving way to ask for what you need:

"This is really hard for me to say, but it’s important to me. Something I’m embarrassed to tell you is that I regret the things I said to you when I was a teenager. I’m not sure how, but I want things to be different between us. Would you be willing to talk about how we can begin to work this out?"

Decide now to take charge of this challenge. Don’t do this for your relatives. Don’t do it because your mother wants it. Do this for you.

Lee Sumner is a Certified Professional Coach who has helped hundreds of people create high-quality lives. She is President of No Limits Coaching and Vice-President of the International Coach Federation--Alabama. Send your questions to Lee@nolimitscoach.com and visit www.nolimitscoach.com.

Click here to email Lee or call her at 205.870.1877