Lee Sumner
Certified Professional Coach

for inspiration, strategies, and results

SEPTEMBER 2005

Vol. II - Issue 9

From New Yorker Magazine



Words of Wisdom

Dear Lee: I'm just writing to thank you for introducing me to a great self-esteem booster at your Falling Awake workshop last week. My 7-year-old son and I played the "What I Love About You" game last night at bedtime. Frustrated and tired, he declared that he was dumb and stupid. I said that I felt like that sometimes, too, but that there were lots of things I was good at. "For instance," I said. "I bet I can think of a dozen things YOU are great at." "No, you can't." "Sure I can. Do you dare me?" "Yeah. I'll count." I proceed to name off and elaborate on 12 things my son is great at: being a big brother, playing baseball, making jokes, reading, etc. He says, "Wow! You did it!" "Yeah, and you know what? I can keep going." "O.K. Go," he dares. I name 8 more things he's great at: drawing, rebuses, swimming, foot massages, etc. -- he has a big smile as he adds up 20 things he's heard. "See? I did it. And I could come up with even more. But you know what?" "What, Mom?" "I'd really like to hear some things that I'M great at." His eyes light up, he sits up and lists 4 or 5 things I'm great at. "Mmm. I love to hear those good things about myself. Hey, was it more fun telling them or hearing them?" "More fun telling, because I get embarrassed when I hear them." "Ah." He rolls over to face the other way and snuggle in for sleep. "Mom?" "Hmm?" "If you ever need to hear those things again, I'll tell you. And if I'm not around, you can always tell 'em to yourself. That's what I do. And then you can smile and nobody will even know why you're smiling. Because it'll all be inside your head." Add one more thing to the list of what I love about my son.

Seven Simple Ways to Say "No"
...even when your "yes' button gets pushed.

1. Just Say No. Thanks, but I'll have to pass on that. Say it, then shut up. You don't want to ruin the effect.

2. The Gracious No. I really appreciate your asking me, but my time is already committed. This is a gentle way to say no.

3. The "I'm sorry" No. I wish I could, but it's just not convenient. The real masters of the "I'm Sorry" No somehow get the other person to apologize for even asking. Amazing.

4. The "It's Someone Else's Decision" No. I promised my coach I wouldn't take on any more projects without discussing them with her first. This postpones the decision and allows you to decide if you really want to say no. Only use when you're not sure if you want to say yes.

5. The "My Family is the Reason" No. Thank you very much for the invitation. That's the day of my son's soccer game, and I never miss those. Great reasons also include birthdays, anniversaries, graduations...just be sure you're not making it up. Tell the truth. You may think this is the easiest no to say, but it's not. How often have you said no to your family in order to work? My point exactly.

6. The "I Know Someone Else" No. I just don't have the time to help you, but let me recommend someone else I know. A great way to say no while still helping the person by giving another option. It's often easiest to say no when you can offer another solution.

7. The "I'm Already Booked" No. I appreciate your thinking of me, but I'm afraid I'm already booked that day. Use this one especially if you've blocked out time for yourself. It's horrible to break a date with someone else -- even worse if you break the date with yourself.

And one more thing. Never, ever say maybe. Maybe is only a way of postponing a decision. When you want to say no, say no. Otherwise, you're not playing fair with yourself -- or with others. And saying "maybe next time" makes it harder and harder to say no the next time. Don't fall into this trap.

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Hello --

I've heard from many of you recently about the chaos you've experienced from not setting and keeping healthy boundaries...and how desperately you want to choose to do what's most important to you.

So stop "shoulding" on yourself. Print and post these by your phone to help you practice...till you get so good at saying "No" you can hand the list off to your friend who's having trouble saying yes to herself.

Thanks for staying in touch, and enjoy a terrific month!

Warmly,

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Lee Sumner is a Certified Professional Coach based in Birmingham, Alabama, who has helped hundreds of people create high-quality lives. She is President of No Limits Coaching and is a popular speaker, columnist and facilitator. (205.870.1877)